You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
