She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
