How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
