broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize