I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
