your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Sorry my hands just texted you
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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