I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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