I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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