He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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