I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
