just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
