you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
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yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
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I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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