I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
