The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
