You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
