Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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