youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
