I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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