nut hugger
A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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