Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
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