dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
