Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
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He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
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It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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