it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
