They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
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