So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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