Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
