So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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