I heard we made out
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
