Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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