And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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