she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
