shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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