You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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