i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Pants are for mortals
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
