anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
