I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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