Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Randomize
