I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I lost the right to judge tonight
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
