I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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