I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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