HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
