Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
