I think I won the penis lottery.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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