I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
