I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
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Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
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im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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