genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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