I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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