when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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