just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
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Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
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I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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