wrigley field is MILF paradise
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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