i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
