I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
