dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
