So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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