take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
